I write to you in a special handwritten journal, but this one I wanted to share with our readers. This is our first Mother's Day. I say 'our' because you made me a mom. Every day not only do I get to love and nourish you, but you remind me how much I'm needed and loved as well.
The beginning was rough. Ten months of carrying you around with only a couple of blurry sonogram pictures in my purse to hold onto, no drinking or sushi, peeing a lot and your foot jammed into my left rib the last three months was no piece of cake. Then you arrived. Holding you on my chest for the first time was something I will never forget. I remember everything so vividly and I was enthralled that you were actually here. Daddy and I were so grateful for your health, 10 fingers and 10 toes. Just one day later the no sleeping started. I get it. You're in a big, scary new world, and you don't know who the hell these alien-looking creatures called your 'parents' are, but sleeping one hour and up crying for five was not my cup of tea. There were a few moments of, "what the hell were we thinking", but everyone kept telling us it got better and we had to hang on and believe them.
Around the three month mark you started sleeping better and by four & a half months you were a new baby: sleeping 12 hours through the night, smiling and happy all of the time. Every memory of the sleepless nights started to drift away like a bad dream and the giggles and smiles replaced any recollection of bouncing and swaying you until our arms were going to fall off.
This, our first Mother's Day, you will be 7 months. I don't know where the time went. Don't get me wrong, the first 6 weeks felt like 6 years, but everything after that is happening at the speed of light. I continually have to put away clothes you're growing out of, you do something new every day and I feel as though I'm losing my little baby. As excited as I am to watch you grow and see your personality come out, part of me wants you to stay small forever. You need me when you're small: you love me no matter what because it's all you know.
Giving up breastfeeding soon has made me realize that anyone can feed you and you don't have to be dependent on just me anymore. With every change and every growth spurt I fear the day you push me away when I try to hug you, or when you get frustrated with me (the way I did with my mom) and tell me you hate me for the first time. I'm not sure my heart can handle it. I brought you into this world after all. I housed you in my body, next to my heart, for 10 months and safely got you here. Now, I guess, I have to guide you, but not sMOTHER you.
This Mother's Day what I really need to do is thank MY mom because you don't know how demanding this all is until you are one. Regardless of the sleepless nights and tiny human latched onto you for 12+ hours a day, the love that I have for you after 7 months is immeasurable. I can't imagine my mom having 30 years of this. Thirty years of learning something new every day because of you. Being surprised by your every move, and getting to spend a lifetime helping to guide you to be the best source of love for your family and others that you can possibly be.
I love you, Finn. And I especially love you, Mom. I can't wait to celebrate your first Grandmother's Day.